


Loved and Lost

by teleprophetic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 19:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1176917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teleprophetic/pseuds/teleprophetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One big chapter of mutual survivors guilt and tears and bonding. Enjoy~</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loved and Lost

**Author's Note:**

> BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY GIRL TO WHOM THIS IS DEDICATED. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN, LOVE YOU BABE <3

The silver haired woman pushed open the door to her small office, shutting it tightly as she stepped inside, a small sigh of relief mixed with exhaustion leaving her lungs with a light huff. Moving from her spot by the door, she ran a hand through her hair, pulling her thin fingers through the small knots that had formed during the day. Her chair creaked softly as she sat down heavily, her elbows coming to rest on the light wood of her desk and her head dropping into her hands. 

It had been a few months since humanity's first victory in Trost, and her day had been filled with meetings that slowly zapped her energy, leaving her tired and frustrated by the time she was dismissed to leave Commander Pixis to discuss more confidential matters with Commander Smith of the Survey Corps. The blonde commander had brought with him two of his underlings, Major Hanji and Corporal Levi, but the silver haired squad leader had disregarded them both when the three of them had been dismissed, choosing instead the quiet of her small office. 

Sitting behind her desk, her thin shoulders slumped forward, breaking their usual rigid set in favor for a more relaxed position, as she reached up and remove her glasses. The familiar feeling that often accompanied her these days rose up again without the distraction of the meeting, an aching feeling feeling in her chest that she had quickly found was not a physical injury, but an emotional one. She despised this feeling because it defied logic, persisting long after she had sustained the emotional blow and causing her to seek the comfort of solitude, spending all of her time in her small office, despite the pervading sense of loneliness she felt. The ache in her chest brought with it the memories that's he fought so hard to keep down, flashes of her squad member's faces, their eyes staring neutrally at her with an accusatory light in them that she knew was meant for her. 

While these images caused her chest to tighten painfully, the worst memory was the memory of the aftermath of the fight, the moment she realized that she was alone, that her entire squad had perished in humanity's great step forward. The silver haired soldier could feel her throat tighten, the forewarning of the inescapable tears that were already stinging in her grey eyes. She blinked at the feeling, causing a crystalline drop to trail down her cheek. Too tired to fight the inevitable emotional breakdown, she admitted defeat, letting the tears spill from her eyes, wetting her cheeks and dropping onto the hard desk below her. Her thin fingers snaked into the light hair, twisting into fists as she felt the first sob build in her chest. It ripped from her lungs, the low, grating sound filling the small room as she tried and failed to hold it back. Slowly she gave in, the sobs breaking from between her thin lips in quick succession, expressing her sorrow over her lost squad members and friends. She had been close with her squad, despite knowing what may happen, and she was paying the price now, their deaths causing these emotional breakdowns that the silver haired woman hate so much. It made her feel weak, being unable to control the emotions that tore through her at the memories. 

Just then, the thing she feared most during these breakdowns occurred, causing her head to whip up and stare forward in horror; someone knocked on her door. Three quick raps sounded through the wood, making the soldier sit up hastily and wipe her eyes clean, forcing the rest of the sobs down viciously. Clearing her throat, she tried her best to look natural, her shoulders rigidly straight and her face as expressionless as she could manage. 

"Come in," she called as soon as she trusted her voice enough to speak. The door creaked open quietly, revealing the short raven haired corporal that she had left earlier. 

"Oi, squad leader, Commander Pixis wants you..." he trailed off, his perceptive grey eyes scrutinizing the woman's face, noticing the red tint to the woman's eyes. Silently he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him and walking to the opposite side of the desk, sitting down across from the light haired soldier. He watched her silently, his grey eyes studying her face for a moment. 

"So. What's wrong?" he asked neutrally, his features remaining expressionless as he scrutinized the squad leader. 

"Wh-what are talking about?" she asked, working to feign confusion, knowing the ravenette was watching her closely. 

He sighed at her response, leaning back in his chair, his eyes never leaving her slate colored gaze. "Look, you and I both know that something's wrong, there's no hiding the redness in your eyes," he said, watching as the woman lifted her hand to touch the skin right below her eyes, her cheeks coloring in embarrassment, "Oh calm down, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Listen, you lost your squad, did you not?" 

The woman narrowed her eyes at the ravenette, glaring at him indignantly. "Yeah? What's it to you?" she asked defensively, her fingertips still pressed against her skin. 

"I'm assuming that's the reason a soldier as rational as you was crying- no, don't bother protesting," he said as the silver haired woman opened her mouth to speak, "It's no use lying. I can see it in your eyes. There's a glint of forlornness under the steel in your eyes that you can't hide from me. I know the look; I see it in the mirror every day." 

The silver haired woman scoffed quietly, disbelieving of the ravenette. "You couldn't possibly know what I've been thro-." 

"Oh, couldn't I?" the short male said, his sharp voice filling the small room, "I lost my own squad you know. You're not the only one who knows loss.." 

The squad leader's expression morphed into one of mild surprise, her eyes shining apologetically. She opened her mouth to speak again but the ravenette held a hand up to stop her. "It's fine, really. I just want you to know that I _do_ understand. I understand that glint of loneliness in your eyes, your craving for solitude even though you know you'll have to relive the memories as soon as you're alone. I went through that. And it hurt. It still does. Seeing their faces like that, lifeless and bloody, I..." the ravenette trailed off, swallowing hard, unable to finish his sentence. He was quiet for a moment, staring at the desk although he wasn't really seeing it before looking up again. His steel colored eyes met the woman's slate hues, noticing that they were sparkling with a film of tears that the woman looked like she was struggling to hold back. 

The ravenette sighed and stood, walking around behind the silver haired soldier and placing his thin fingers on her shoulders, gently massaging them. "It's okay, I know it hurts. They're gone forever, and you feel as though you're responsible for their deaths since you were their leader," he said quietly, noticing as the thin shoulders under his hands began to shake. 

The silver haired woman choked back a sob, her hand coming up to her mouth as her tears spilt over the brims of her eyelids, running down her pale cheeks for the second time that day, their lifeless eyes flashing through her mind. She shut her eyes tight, guilt sweeping through her at the corporals words. 'It /is/ all my fault, why couldn't I protect them better? If I had just fought harder I could have saved them all,' she thought as their accusing eyes stared her down behind her closed lids, their lips moving, forming one phrase over and over. 'It's your fault. It's your fault.' they whispered, causing her heart to tighten painfully, sobs wracking her thin chest as they ripped through her lips. The ravenette leaned down to kiss the top of her head in a comforting gesture, his hands still moving over the muscles in her shoulders. 

"But it's not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. They knew that death was a very real possibility, and they accepted it to help humanity," the woman absorbed what the male had said, her shoulders stilling as she listened, "They died honorable deaths, and they're safe now. No more harm can come to them, no more injury, no more heartbreak. They're finally free," the short male said quietly, thinking more of his own squad who swam into his vision, smiling at him with wings sprouting from their backs. A corner of the ravenette's mouth twitched up, remembering the four fondly although his heart ached slightly at the thought of them. 

The corporal was brought back to reality when the woman in front of him quieted, her cheeks tear stained as she opened her mouth to speak, staring down at her lap. "Do you really think so?" she asked quietly, her voice rough from sobbing, refusing to turn her head so he wouldn't see her face. 

"Of course. They're safe now, and they don't blame you. No one blames you Rico," he said, running one hand through her silver locks comfortingly. 

The light haired soldier closed her eyes again, her squad's faces forming obediently before her. This time however, they smiled at her, their eyes soft and devoid of accusation. The squad leader smiled slightly, holding on to the image for a moment before opening her eyes again and smiling. "Thank you, Corporal Levi," the woman said quietly, relief plain in her soft voice. 

"Just Levi. No need for titles anymore," he said, rubbing her shoulders lightly. The woman nodded, sighing quietly as she straightened in her seat, pushing herself up to stand in front of the male who stood a few centimeters taller than her. 

"Thank you Levi," she said, her face peacefully expressionless. The ravenette simply nodded his head once, inclining it towards the silver haired soldier in a gesture of acknowledgement and respect. "Now, you said Pixis wanted us down stairs, did you not?" the woman asked, raising an eyebrow to the male as she turned and picked up her glasses from the desk, settling them on her thin nose. 

"Yes, we should hurry, he's probably wondering where we are," he replied, turning to walk to the door of the woman's office, pulling it open to step into the hall. 

The woman followed, a wry half smile on her face. "No, it's more likely that your commander will be the impatient one. Pixis is too relaxed to worry," she said, her voice tinted with amusement. 

Levi chuckled quietly at her comment as they reached the door to the meeting room. "You're probably right. Let's go, shall we?" he said, his hand on the door knob. At a nod from the silver haired soldier, he pushed open the door, both soldiers striding in with their usual expressionless set back in place, looking so similar that the two commanders couldn't help but share a grin at as the door to the room shut behind and the two took their places at the table. 

"So, back to business now?" Pixis said with a knowing smile, "Right, where were we..."


End file.
